Flash Fiction Challenge

The scissors are never sharp enough. The hair comes off in short clumps, chunks really. Once there were clippers, with an electrical buzz-buzz, to do the job. They are no more. Many things are no more. Memories. Most of those I don’t miss. I chose to discard them. To shove them away. The first two mares of the bloodline. Lost to disease. Only the third, youngest, remains. Youngest is a strange way to define her now. She has long since reached her prime, as have I. We have both lost too much, and mellowed from our mutual mania.

http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2011/11/18/11729/

I'm tired of being in the closet for all of you. Why should I? Because what I am makes you uncomfortable? Well good. I hope it does. I hope it makes you cringe. What I am hurts me. In and out. Do you have any idea what this is like? To have a disease that basically is trying to kill you? To have half of your brain trying to off you while the other half is trying to save you? It feels like being a sick hamster. And I know that makes no sense. Because I make no sense. This makes no sense. The misery of this stupid pointless misery makes no sense. And you all want me to be normal. Well fuck you. Because that just makes it so much worse. So much worse to try to hide it under the cloth of normal while there is some strange holy war being waged in the tiny cage of my skull. And no will ever win. Sometimes the one side will retreat and an uneasy peace will settle, but it doesn't last. See? Even the slight stability isn't really good. It's just a precursor to another downward slide. This disease sucks and I didn't ask for it. So take your expectations and shove them. I say NO.

The Heritage Cook’s Apple Crisp

Decided today that I needed to attempt baking again. Last time I tried brownies from scratch and it went badly. (We don't really need to talk about that.) Found a recipe that looked tasty and

simple (see link below) and dove in. Okay, more like dipped my toes slowly bit by tiny bit. Finally did get it made. Not sure my product is as tasty as the original but it is edible. I'm proud!

http://thenovicehousewife.word

press.com/2011/09/12/an-apple-a-day-the-heritage-cooks-apple-crisp-for-september-src/

Drag show....

Last night I attended my first drag show. Which I ended up not actually seeing any of. I know that makes no sense. I went, paid the cover, met up with a friend. The friend, M.H., is someone that I haven't seen in many years and used to rodeo with. We met up at the club, a strip club, which is where the show was being held. The beginning of the evening went well, a drink, a shot, some strippers. Really surprised to see that some of the strippers were not actually in that great of shape. Some of them had more cellulite than I do! Just before the amateur drag show was about to start, M.H. and I headed out for a smoke. Upon returning to our table she suddenly started vomiting. Profusely. We all slipped out the back door and decided to go elsewhere. Guess I still need to attend a drag show! The night continued in crazy and random ways, which included cops, more bars, and lots of Russian men. One of whom was nice enough to play air hockey and pinball with me. I won air hockey! Which considering I was quite drunk and have only played a couple of times back when I was a teen, I am pleased about. It was a good night and I have to admit that reviving attention non-stressful attention from men I'm not interested in was also nice. Sometimes I just want things to be easy and this was.

Cloud Study

Clouds around 4pm Mountain Time

I'm starting to get you, and I don't like it

So I see that we aren't talking again this morning. Talking being a relative term since you rarely talk to me. Texting or chatting is more your style. I guess this means that you're sober again and you don't currently want or need anything from me. I despise us right now. I despise you for being such an ass and myself for letting you stick around in my life and be this way. I was proud of me last night. I admit it, I wanted to hang out. But not in the lame manner you were offering. Not like some off to the side groupie that just happens to be there. I'm better than that. Sleeping was good for me. And when I woke up and there was a text from you, I guess I felt a little bit better. Like maybe you regretted not being nicer to me. But now, now I just feel crummy about you again. Because I know you're awake. I left you a facebook message. And I noticed when you logged on, and logged off, without talking to me. So what? Do you even remember texting me last night? Or is that just one more of those lost drunken things? Honestly, maybe I'm glad. I know you are totally wrong for me. I know if you ever made an effort to be part of my life you would probably stress my stability and that would be bad. So maybe this behavior is really a good thing. I know I'm confused, but every time you behave like the person I don't like, I want you out of my life a little more. It doesn't stay that way, but in time I think you won't manage to come back. And I will be glad.

Ativan and Forest Fires

Every morning lately has been a combo of cranky mood and grogginess. Which is odd for me because life right now allows me to wake up naturally and do my own thing, at least for the most part. However, I haven't been well lately, which has led to the necessity of the bedtime Ativan. This not being well includes shortened sleep, usually only until about one a.m. when I began restlessly tossing and turning. Also, I've been crying almost daily. For no good reason. Just randomly, like when leaving the grocery store or riding Loca. Or listening to music or petting the cat or driving or just about any other typical thing that shouldn't make people cry. So the Ativan, especially since I don't have another doctor appointment until November, which is quite awhile away.

Along with the chemical additives, the forest fires have started up around here again. The sky has been filled with smoke and hazy for weeks now. Waking up this morning, it took a full pot of coffee (okay, its a small coffee maker) and half a carton of orange juice to flush the groggy feeling. Also, almost four hours of wakefulness. Ugh. Not a fan. I prefer feeling good right when I wake up, but I guess everyone else does to... so that isn't anything crazy.

Forms, Forms, Forms

Ugh! So many forms to fill out and I just cannot handle it. I took care of all of my student loans except one. All of them except one had easy deferment forms. The one I haven't dealt with yet? Crazy paperwork! The paperwork requires paperwork. They want me to prove all of my income and spending. I don't have any income! I don't have a job. I'm not looking for a job. Why, you ask? Because jobs have forms! Do I have government assistance? No, no not yet. Why, you might as yet again? Because government assistance has forms! Cannot handle forms!!! Cannot do it. They literally make me nauseous. I sit down, tell myself that this time I will finish the paperwork. I never do. Every time I get sick. I am weeks, no months, behind on my loan deferment paperwork. The university keeps sending me those strict emails telling me that I have not been paying. I know I have to deal with this but I can't. I just can't make myself fill out the paperwork. Its the same with disability paperwork. I know its a long process. Two years or so and the only way to get through it is to get started. I just can't. I don't know what I'm so afraid of.

There was joy

It wasn't all bad. Stop thinking that. There were good things. Us sitting on the carpet, drinking that red wine that I spilled everywhere (oops), playing Scrabble or Yahtzee, listening to Nickleback. It's a good memory, one I'm hanging on to. The first time I played Lady Gaga for you, and danced, because I was drinking. You laughed. Our first kiss and the way you shook when you touched me. I've never felt before or since that my presence stunned someone so much. Hiking in winter... I think you can remember that one. When we were house-sitting and both so sick, you took such good care of me. Any of those times sitting on the couch eating pizza watching random TV shows after one of my many meltdowns because I needed the quiet time badly. Three Bears sandwiches on the park bench. Chicken bacon ranch in the sunshine. Do you remember? It wasn't all bad.

Stop

Stop. Stop hurting me. Just stop. What do you want me to do? I'll do it. You want me to come back to Washington? I will. We will be miserable. We were miserable. I hated it and so did you. But I would do it again. Just stop hurting me. Is that what you want? You want me to come back? Say the word. I will.

You want me to be your exclusive, untouched three-inch fairy? I will. Say it. Just stop hurting my heart. Why can't you see? I live for you, breathe for you. I call everyday, more than once. I still love you. I'm still in love.

I'm happy here. My soul is here. But my heart is in pieces and there are more of them everyday. What do you want from me?

Picture from ~ http://www.desicomments.com/hearts/broken-heart-2/

I'm still in love with you

Yeah, i know. We broke up. It was my idea. I hooked up with someone else. That I continue to talk about. That I continue to text, and see. I don't know what else to do. I'm still in love with you. I still want our happy ending. I still want marriage and forever. I don't know what else to do.

I can't come back. We were so miserable together there. I need to be here, doing what I'm doing. This place, this is my place. I don't know where else to be complete. I'm not complete without you though.

Moron

I can't decide who I think is dumber: You or Me. You for the ridiculous games you play or me for going along with them endlessly. For knowing that when you text me sometime today, I will answer. When you get around to wanting me again, I will let you. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? Why can't you just stop being such an ass. I like you. There, I said it. I don't know why. There doesn't seem to be one single good or even slightly rational reason to like you. Except... You hold me when I cry. You don't let me go. You keep coming back. Persistence that isn't mine at this stage stuns me. You're still an ass.

Colombiana

Went to see the movie Colombiana last night. Wasn't bad, wasn't great. Revenge movie with a female protagonist. Zoe Saldana is the actress with the understated, but incredibly hot Michael Vartan as the love interest. If they had secured a happy ending together, instead of just a maybe someday, I would have been pleased. I know its not realistic. I'm sure she disappeared into the sunset and they never got together again. But I can't think like that. I need happy endings. The "point" of the movie, if you will, was for her to kill the people who were responsible for the deaths of her parents. Which she achieved. However, prior to her achieving this, those same people killed the rest of her family. The ending of her as the lonely assassin just doesn't work for me. Especially since we just had the same ending in Salt with Angelina Jolie. Why can't movies with women ever have them get revenge and then find happiness too? Or just realize that maybe revenge isn't everything? And find happiness... Yes, I just wanted a happy ending.

WTF

Why do you fuck with crazy women? Why can't you just leave us alone? Aren't there any sane girls out there for you to mess with? Seriously, I have enough problems without you playing mind games with me. I could handle casual if it stayed casual. I could be friends, if we were just friends. Stop changing the rules. Stop playing least in sight and then coming back around just when I make up my mind that I've had enough. You suck. You really, really suck. I accepted that I wasn't awesome, that I meant nothing. Then you held my hand in the bar and I was caught off guard. What the hell. No one does that. People might see. Kissing me. Its wrong. You make me be quiet when your ex calls but you kiss me in public. What the Hell? I don't get it and I want to understand. Stop messing with my head. Go away and stay away. Or come back and be consistent. Be an ass. I can handle that. Be nice. I don't get it. Just be one thing and stop confusing me. This game doesn't work.

August again

The nightmares have returned. Not the ones that never really go away. The others. The ones that find me being forced to watch in horror as my best friend is fed to a carnivorous plant. Because of something I did. Or my dream alter ego did. I never look like me in dreams. Strangely enough I usually look small and male, and helpless. No idea what this means. The more graphic the nightmares become the worse the month becomes. August has always been my most maniac month. I had thought that maybe this year I wouldn't have the normal problems. There is only one week left. But no I feel that I breathed too soon. With the dreams I'm also waking often. Checking the time again and again. Waiting anxiously for the proper time to get up, though when it arrives I'm still exhausted. I don't want to be sick. Don't want this. The irrational, odd behavior that comes with it. Now is not a good time. I know there is no good time, but now is... No worse than any other. I just don't want this. I want stability. Need it.

Crunch Me

Tell me another lie/Anything

The first ones weren’t big enough/ Of course, I believed didn’t I

Holding my breath with hope watching you cautiously a small child offered a forbidden treat

yeah, yeah come back and do it again lie to me at least its got good flavor it makes the heart beat before the pain takes over

I thought you were different but you’re not/ I’m just another moment to you

fritos

its fun touch your tongue to me then crush me under your feet

not again I’m sick of the feeling I heard you the first time I’m not good enough not awesome enough what you think I didn’t already know

story of my life foretold/ nothing more than a broodmare but what is a broodmare who wont have a brood

worthless no damn good no damn good nothing else there

bedroom games empty time finish it and let me go/ oh right you already did missing an explanation guess I don’t need one

do not pass go/ fucking without dating straight to jail you’re a whore she said

Crush me I’ll be touch me taste me its one more game roll my dice tonight

I’m desperate touch me touch me I did it for you lies- I did it for me you couldn’t understand no one touches me I thought you would be different

damn feels like dying again/ sometimes it seems the only way to kill this feeling is to kill me

Yeah I’m still here Breaking glass moments breaking apart in my chest

What do you know

You could never live my life Touch the abuse it comes and goes I always go back don’t know anything else think I need it how fucked up does that make me

Know I need my Crazy, sweet baby, the love hold me close run me through the wind take my tears I’ll go back for that if nothing else

I wanted you wanted you to be different so bad

Crunch me Ill never be nothing But a moment lost in time

And you

I cant remember Feel I should Every time you touch me Something hangs in the mind Heart calls to me Come back I can’t The past is my destruction The future as well

Crunch me There will be no more touches You let me go Can’t figure why Moments in time Pass by

Crunch me Refuse me Hurt me hate me

Something anything Just don’t leave me in this painful silence that I can’t comprehend can’t control

Hurt me Hurt me Hurt me so I can hurt me Find my center my control Whatever you give me, I can give greater

But not this

Not this silence

I have no silence Its agony its swamps me like jam smears me in sticky misery

Release me

Crunch me touch me taste me hate me hurt me

Just don’t give me silence

~ L.S.

Two things

Today I did two things that I haven't done in a while. I rode a horse and I voluntarily interacted with my father.

I haven't ridden since just before my accident, back at the beginning of March. Four long months without the pleasures of equine relaxation. Today I couldn't wait any longer. I rode L.L. or the Lazy Lineback. We rode for 30 minutes in the front pasture, mostly at a walk with a small amount of trotting. It felt good to be back in the saddle. (Hello cliche!) Here is L.L. looking annoyed that she has had to work so hard for such a long time!

The other thing about today was seeing Dad. My youngest sister wanted to invite him to her 8th grade promotion (this Thursday) and so I agreed to pass on the date and time. We have spoken since October of 2010. It has been good to be away from him. He aggravates my illness with his illness and his denial. Mostly he just makes me miserable. Today was passable though. As always the visit lasted far longer than it should have. Five hours went by before I escaped again. Seeing my father is taking a detour from sanity and dropping in to Crazyland. You know where you're going from the start but you still have no idea how to get out.

The Black Eyed Peas - Just Can't Get Enough

The song I am currently obsessing over since the Billboard award show!

Nap Camp

Lousy with sunshine