P!nk - Don't Let Me Get Me

Today is Sunday

Today is Sunday. The thing that is making me happy today is the Seattle Times Sunday Edition. On (some) Sundays the dogs and I walk to the market that is just below the apartment to grab the paper. The Sunday edition is hefty compared to the regular ones. I like that it seems substantial. First, I separate the ads from the rest of the paper. Then I read the Arts section. The rants and raves contained within is my favorite part. Next, I read the ads. I pick random things from their pages, imagining myself going shopping for those very things. Then I read the comics. Still I miss some of the comics that were shown on the Missoula paper from home. After that I read the Auto section. The Car Talk column usually makes me laugh. Sometimes I read more, sometimes I am tired. Still, I am probably smiling.

11/20/2010 Today is Saturday

Today is Saturday. The thing that I am most happy about is the look of appreciation and gratitude on my partner's face when I surprise him at work with cupcakes and coffee. It always catches me because coffee and snacks are such a small thing in comparison to the way I feel when he looks at me like that. It might be cheesy and cliche, but that look is the sunshine in my day.

How To Be Alone

Q: Do TIGERS like catnip??

Montana Friends

Drinking coffee. Fretting. Have to go to work soon. One of my best (and only) friends from Montana is here. Kind of nervous. Hope it goes okay. S. is here with her boyfriend. My first visit from someone who isn't family. Wish I did not have to work today!!!!

Mixed Up

I am MIXED UP. Yes, all caps. There is no other way to put it. Right now I am happy. As we speak. Or as I write. Have it your way. Why is this something to be mixed up about, you ask? Well, I will tell you. I just graduated. Am about to graduate with a second degree. But what am I doing? I am working as a dog walker. And I am HAPPY! I just do not know what to think. What about all my goals, my expectations for myself? As a person with Bipolar, I have things to achieve. Happiness was never necessarily one of those things. But here I am, not saving the world and happy. Very, very mixed up. I love the dogs. I love the alone time. I love that I do not have to talk to people constantly or do paperwork or have silly deadlines or care about things that do not matter to me. Dogs are simple. We walk, play, have treats. Life is sweet for dogs.

Never a bride...

So the weddings off. Engagements over. I dont want to marry someone who is only willing to marry me because that is what it takes to be with me. It makes me feel evil and manipulative. Like some horrible game player. Like if "you dont wear a tux and say I do" Im leaving. I cant do this. So, hell with it. We just wont get married. Whatever. Girlfriend I am. If millions of gay and lesbian couples have to put up with it, then I guess I can to. Besides, what fun is something if it has to be dragged from the other person? So, he is still the One. Just not the one I will exchange a promise with to love and cherish forever. Even if I do.

Bat Man

Holding my breath

Today is an official day off. There is no where that I have to be at any specific time. No one counting on me to get anything done. Just a few copies to mail, a check to be cashed, simple things. The dogs, and the One and I, we will all go to the park. Eat lots of good food. Buy some groceries. Catch up on homework so I do not have to stress over the rest of the week. An easy day to just breath.

So why am I holding my breath? Every time an easy day shows up so does something else. A client to meet with, some emergency, etc. I got to sleep in. Until almost 9. But if I have to spend another day away from home all day, I will crack. Tomorrow is busy. Today I need. So even though today looks all clear, I'm still holding my breath.

Falling down

Failing, flailing, falling... I guess you get the point. I am totally bombing my Public Relations class. A communications class. Which is basically a form of English. Which basically should be easy. Well.... its not. I am 100 percent lost. Everytime I think about it my throat gets tight and my chest constricts. Even if I said it a million times I would still say it again. I HATE being sick. I am tired of my life and being sick. I know this is selfish, I am selfish. This is a waste of time and I could do so much more with myself. There is so much misery, it does not matter.

Evanescence - Lithium

Meet-up

I have a meeting with a client today for a pet sitting gig. First one in my new home. Kind of nervous, resigned, nauseous. Should be excited, right?

Yesterday was better. Things will be okay. Get up, don't give up. Day off.

The dogs are happy anyway. Scouter has been totally bummed since I have been gone so much the last couple of days. He sleeps on the bed and sulks when I am not home. Today we are all home together.

Hell

Last night was awful. "The One" poured all the liquor down the sink after two drinks turned into a massive freak-out on my part. He said "I will never drink with again. Ever.". Ever is a long time, especially when you are my age. Especially when the liquor included most of a decent bottle of cold Vodka. Struggling not to feel bitter, but I have a raging headache, heartache, soulache, Grand Canyon tearing through me, and its tough. I feel so pathetic this morning. I had all of like 4 and a half shots and then this. I hate my meds, my illness, myself.

Lithium

Darn. This staying on task thing is hard. You let a few days go and the next thing you know, there is too much stuff to catch up coherently. Anyway, to make this quick, I have a job. Maybe two. Needless to say, they are not top of the food chain. But at least it is gainful employment. With people, at little bit.

Second, I have new drugs. Saying that makes me feel like Marilyn Manson. Not quite sure why. Went to see a new doctor. Strange how outside of the office you feel like a nut but as soon as they start asking questions you want to pretend you are fine. I think its a survival mechanism. "Please, please, don't lock me away!" Something like that. Anyway, not I'm on Lithium. The dreaded. The thing that I never wanted to take. Didn't have many other options at this point so I said okay. Just have to see how it goes.

Another interview

Had another interview today. For a coffee stand. Thought it went well. Guess it didn't. I cannot understand this process. What is wrong with me? Have I really lost it? I go to interviews and the people say, "We will call you at such and such time.". But they never do. Not even to say they don't want me. Starting to think that the monster is peeking out of my eyes and the family just isn't brave enough to tell me about it. I mean, come on? I went from incredible, to not working for almost year. Will I ever come out of this slump?

A Terrible Beauty

Last night we went to the pub. By 'we', I mean, me and my significant other. "The One". Nuff' Said. Anyway, the pub is A Terrible Beauty. Wonderful place. It has everything one might need in an Irish pub. Great food, drinks (who doesn't need those?), good atmosphere, etc.. Yesterday hit 6pm and all I could think was that I did not want to make dinner and that I did not want zucchini (what was on our menu). What's a girl to do? Go to the pub.

www.renton.komonews.com/content/terrible-beauty-irish-pub

Once there I of course ordered the usual pub fare- fish and chips. Better known as Donaghadee Harbour Codfish 'N Chips. Yum.
This is how they describe it.
"Hot 'n fresh 'n beer battered with Smithwick's Irish Ale and served alongside house cut fries, homemade coleslaw & lemon-dill aioli, or tarter. 9. Add Prawns... 4."
Is anyone not salivating at this description?

Now, I am not a beer girl. Cannot stand the stuff. I like rum and pineapple. Stuff like that. Not beer. Somehow a beer just seemed right though. Ordering it? I was at a loss. Recommended for me was a Magners Hard Cider. Surprisingly enough, I liked it. I liked it enough to finish it.

It was also kareoke practice night at the pub, so we had a ton of free entertainment. Tonight is aparently the real deal. Never know, we might be back. I have a secret yearning to sing "Every Rose Has It's Thorn", but it would take more than one cider!

Day One. (Or, Day 8560, but who's counting?)

That's right. I have been alive for 23 years, a number of months, and a handful of days. I'm almost 24. 24. I have a college degree, no job, two black dogs, and bipolar. That almost rhymes. Tomorrow I have an interview for a part time job as a barista. And when they say part time, they mean very part time. Did I mention the degree? Second degree in August? Neither of them are in baristaology. If they have such a thing. Not that I'm too good to be a barista. I'm not.... Wait for it...

Actually, it's that I think the only thing I can possibly wrap my small mangled mind around right now is something simple. Something like making coffee (which I love anyway) and smiling. Part time. Then coming home to the dogs (Scout and Lindy) and laying in the sun. Or waking up and laying in the sun with the dogs before going to serve coffee. Thinking about anything else makes me head feel like it might explode.