I'm tired of being in the closet for all of you. Why should I? Because what I am makes you uncomfortable? Well good. I hope it does. I hope it makes you cringe. What I am hurts me. In and out. Do you have any idea what this is like? To have a disease that basically is trying to kill you? To have half of your brain trying to off you while the other half is trying to save you? It feels like being a sick hamster. And I know that makes no sense. Because I make no sense. This makes no sense. The misery of this stupid pointless misery makes no sense. And you all want me to be normal. Well fuck you. Because that just makes it so much worse. So much worse to try to hide it under the cloth of normal while there is some strange holy war being waged in the tiny cage of my skull. And no will ever win. Sometimes the one side will retreat and an uneasy peace will settle, but it doesn't last. See? Even the slight stability isn't really good. It's just a precursor to another downward slide. This disease sucks and I didn't ask for it. So take your expectations and shove them. I say NO.

The Heritage Cook’s Apple Crisp

Decided today that I needed to attempt baking again. Last time I tried brownies from scratch and it went badly. (We don't really need to talk about that.) Found a recipe that looked tasty and

simple (see link below) and dove in. Okay, more like dipped my toes slowly bit by tiny bit. Finally did get it made. Not sure my product is as tasty as the original but it is edible. I'm proud!

http://thenovicehousewife.word

press.com/2011/09/12/an-apple-a-day-the-heritage-cooks-apple-crisp-for-september-src/

Drag show....

Last night I attended my first drag show. Which I ended up not actually seeing any of. I know that makes no sense. I went, paid the cover, met up with a friend. The friend, M.H., is someone that I haven't seen in many years and used to rodeo with. We met up at the club, a strip club, which is where the show was being held. The beginning of the evening went well, a drink, a shot, some strippers. Really surprised to see that some of the strippers were not actually in that great of shape. Some of them had more cellulite than I do! Just before the amateur drag show was about to start, M.H. and I headed out for a smoke. Upon returning to our table she suddenly started vomiting. Profusely. We all slipped out the back door and decided to go elsewhere. Guess I still need to attend a drag show! The night continued in crazy and random ways, which included cops, more bars, and lots of Russian men. One of whom was nice enough to play air hockey and pinball with me. I won air hockey! Which considering I was quite drunk and have only played a couple of times back when I was a teen, I am pleased about. It was a good night and I have to admit that reviving attention non-stressful attention from men I'm not interested in was also nice. Sometimes I just want things to be easy and this was.

Cloud Study

Clouds around 4pm Mountain Time

I'm starting to get you, and I don't like it

So I see that we aren't talking again this morning. Talking being a relative term since you rarely talk to me. Texting or chatting is more your style. I guess this means that you're sober again and you don't currently want or need anything from me. I despise us right now. I despise you for being such an ass and myself for letting you stick around in my life and be this way. I was proud of me last night. I admit it, I wanted to hang out. But not in the lame manner you were offering. Not like some off to the side groupie that just happens to be there. I'm better than that. Sleeping was good for me. And when I woke up and there was a text from you, I guess I felt a little bit better. Like maybe you regretted not being nicer to me. But now, now I just feel crummy about you again. Because I know you're awake. I left you a facebook message. And I noticed when you logged on, and logged off, without talking to me. So what? Do you even remember texting me last night? Or is that just one more of those lost drunken things? Honestly, maybe I'm glad. I know you are totally wrong for me. I know if you ever made an effort to be part of my life you would probably stress my stability and that would be bad. So maybe this behavior is really a good thing. I know I'm confused, but every time you behave like the person I don't like, I want you out of my life a little more. It doesn't stay that way, but in time I think you won't manage to come back. And I will be glad.

Ativan and Forest Fires

Every morning lately has been a combo of cranky mood and grogginess. Which is odd for me because life right now allows me to wake up naturally and do my own thing, at least for the most part. However, I haven't been well lately, which has led to the necessity of the bedtime Ativan. This not being well includes shortened sleep, usually only until about one a.m. when I began restlessly tossing and turning. Also, I've been crying almost daily. For no good reason. Just randomly, like when leaving the grocery store or riding Loca. Or listening to music or petting the cat or driving or just about any other typical thing that shouldn't make people cry. So the Ativan, especially since I don't have another doctor appointment until November, which is quite awhile away.

Along with the chemical additives, the forest fires have started up around here again. The sky has been filled with smoke and hazy for weeks now. Waking up this morning, it took a full pot of coffee (okay, its a small coffee maker) and half a carton of orange juice to flush the groggy feeling. Also, almost four hours of wakefulness. Ugh. Not a fan. I prefer feeling good right when I wake up, but I guess everyone else does to... so that isn't anything crazy.

Forms, Forms, Forms

Ugh! So many forms to fill out and I just cannot handle it. I took care of all of my student loans except one. All of them except one had easy deferment forms. The one I haven't dealt with yet? Crazy paperwork! The paperwork requires paperwork. They want me to prove all of my income and spending. I don't have any income! I don't have a job. I'm not looking for a job. Why, you ask? Because jobs have forms! Do I have government assistance? No, no not yet. Why, you might as yet again? Because government assistance has forms! Cannot handle forms!!! Cannot do it. They literally make me nauseous. I sit down, tell myself that this time I will finish the paperwork. I never do. Every time I get sick. I am weeks, no months, behind on my loan deferment paperwork. The university keeps sending me those strict emails telling me that I have not been paying. I know I have to deal with this but I can't. I just can't make myself fill out the paperwork. Its the same with disability paperwork. I know its a long process. Two years or so and the only way to get through it is to get started. I just can't. I don't know what I'm so afraid of.

There was joy

It wasn't all bad. Stop thinking that. There were good things. Us sitting on the carpet, drinking that red wine that I spilled everywhere (oops), playing Scrabble or Yahtzee, listening to Nickleback. It's a good memory, one I'm hanging on to. The first time I played Lady Gaga for you, and danced, because I was drinking. You laughed. Our first kiss and the way you shook when you touched me. I've never felt before or since that my presence stunned someone so much. Hiking in winter... I think you can remember that one. When we were house-sitting and both so sick, you took such good care of me. Any of those times sitting on the couch eating pizza watching random TV shows after one of my many meltdowns because I needed the quiet time badly. Three Bears sandwiches on the park bench. Chicken bacon ranch in the sunshine. Do you remember? It wasn't all bad.

Stop

Stop. Stop hurting me. Just stop. What do you want me to do? I'll do it. You want me to come back to Washington? I will. We will be miserable. We were miserable. I hated it and so did you. But I would do it again. Just stop hurting me. Is that what you want? You want me to come back? Say the word. I will.

You want me to be your exclusive, untouched three-inch fairy? I will. Say it. Just stop hurting my heart. Why can't you see? I live for you, breathe for you. I call everyday, more than once. I still love you. I'm still in love.

I'm happy here. My soul is here. But my heart is in pieces and there are more of them everyday. What do you want from me?

Picture from ~ http://www.desicomments.com/hearts/broken-heart-2/

I'm still in love with you

Yeah, i know. We broke up. It was my idea. I hooked up with someone else. That I continue to talk about. That I continue to text, and see. I don't know what else to do. I'm still in love with you. I still want our happy ending. I still want marriage and forever. I don't know what else to do.

I can't come back. We were so miserable together there. I need to be here, doing what I'm doing. This place, this is my place. I don't know where else to be complete. I'm not complete without you though.

Moron

I can't decide who I think is dumber: You or Me. You for the ridiculous games you play or me for going along with them endlessly. For knowing that when you text me sometime today, I will answer. When you get around to wanting me again, I will let you. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? Why can't you just stop being such an ass. I like you. There, I said it. I don't know why. There doesn't seem to be one single good or even slightly rational reason to like you. Except... You hold me when I cry. You don't let me go. You keep coming back. Persistence that isn't mine at this stage stuns me. You're still an ass.

Colombiana

Went to see the movie Colombiana last night. Wasn't bad, wasn't great. Revenge movie with a female protagonist. Zoe Saldana is the actress with the understated, but incredibly hot Michael Vartan as the love interest. If they had secured a happy ending together, instead of just a maybe someday, I would have been pleased. I know its not realistic. I'm sure she disappeared into the sunset and they never got together again. But I can't think like that. I need happy endings. The "point" of the movie, if you will, was for her to kill the people who were responsible for the deaths of her parents. Which she achieved. However, prior to her achieving this, those same people killed the rest of her family. The ending of her as the lonely assassin just doesn't work for me. Especially since we just had the same ending in Salt with Angelina Jolie. Why can't movies with women ever have them get revenge and then find happiness too? Or just realize that maybe revenge isn't everything? And find happiness... Yes, I just wanted a happy ending.