D. the beautiful

Horse, Horse, Horse the Second

Tomorrow I will ride D. for the first time. We did the meet and greet on Tuesday. It went surprisingly well, especially for me with my fear of strangers. D. is as gorgeous in real life as he is in the facebook photos. And his owner? Is incredibly nice. I was shocked. The women at the barn where I work are friendly, but I have found most horse people to be quite uptight. It takes forever for them to warm up to anyone, if they do at all. Even when I was good at rodeo (far in the past) I never felt like I fit in. But D.'s owner is friendly and has offered to share her tack and other essentials. We were supposed to meet on Monday to ride, but she texted earlier and we are meeting tomorrow. At 5. I am excited and nervous. Very nervous. I would blame my desire to drink on nerves, but I think that it's just my typical desire to drink. (Yes, I am an impending alcoholic.) Anyway, I wish my new riding boots would arrive on time. Doubtful though. I hope they fit!

Love in Infant Monkeys

Just finished the first of my Classics Challenge books. Love in Infant Monkeys is a collection of stories by Lydia Millet. Its available at Amazon, but I checked mine out at the local library. This book was a runner up for a Pulitzer Prize. I found it to be a mix, the way I find most short story collections. Some stories, like Sir Henry or Tesla and Wife, left me wanting to know more. At the end of those stories I knew I would be researching the subject further. Others were difficult for me to finish. Thomas Edison and Vasil Golakov was my least favorite story for several reasons. I found the subject of elaboration between the two men ( Thomas Edison and Vasil Golakov) distasteful and and the subjects themselves were unsatisfying. Sir Henry, is the story of a dog walker and his feelings toward his charges. One of these charges is Sir Henry. The dog walker reminded me a little of myself. The animals are the important thing for him, but he still wants the outside world to accept him. The end of the story is a choice not yet decided. I hope he chose for his happiness and not for social acceptance.

Horse, Horse, Horse!!!!!!

I've been working at a dressage stable for two weeks now. I clean stalls and feed horses, but I do not ride. Everyday when I am at work I've wondered, "When will I get to ride again?" That was the unanswerable question.
Prior to moving from Montana last June I said that I wouldn't care if I never rode again. Shortly thereafter I realized how wrong I had been. People say that you always want what you don't have and as soon as I couldn't ride I wanted to desperately.
Today I was asking one of the clients at the stable about finding a horse. She mentioned a friend who was looking to do a half-lease on her Thoroughbred gelding. Emails were exchanged and now... Now I am going to see this horse, who is gorgeous, on Tuesday. Just two days away. And if it all works out I will be able to ride him three days a week. Every week. The price is good and the stable is close. His name is.... D. Wouldn't want to give away his anonymity.

To take medication or not?

Pros of being off medication~
No medication weight gain
Fewer or no doctor's visits
Lower cost
Don't have to remember to take meds
Can drink in moderation (well, kind of)

Cons of being off medication~
Angry a lot
Withdrawal symptoms
Body aches
depression
suicidal ideation
feelings of hopelessness

To Be Continued...

Natasha Bedingfield - Strip Me

Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I'll just scream
Im only one voice in a million
but you aint taking that from me
Oh oh no you aint taking that from me

Its complicated

Its complicated. Its not that I don't want to talk to you. Yes you. You know who you are. Anyway, its not that I don't want to talk to you. Its that I don't want to talk to anyone. Anyone at all.

I know you are waiting for me to call. Probably wondering if I'm home yet. And I am. Have been for almost two hours. But I still can't bring myself to pick up the phone. I took a shower. Ate dinner. Walked the dogs. Fed the dogs. And the cat. And still... In the quiet, the silence of the house, I almost feel normal. I don't have to pretend. No one is here to care if I'm weird or not. And I know, absolutely know, that if I pick up the phone, that will end.

I cant make my voice sound not sad. Because I am. Sad. I cant be enthused because I'm not. I'm miserable and right now I cant pretend otherwise. If I call, you will wonder. Is it me? And its not. Its me, always me.

Its complicated. Language and words and speaking. I want to say that I want to die. I want to scream it. But I don't because I don't want to die. I want to live and stop feeling like this. I want someone, anyone, to fix it. There aren't words for this. There aren't words to make you understand.
Its complicated.