Mixed Up

I am MIXED UP. Yes, all caps. There is no other way to put it. Right now I am happy. As we speak. Or as I write. Have it your way. Why is this something to be mixed up about, you ask? Well, I will tell you. I just graduated. Am about to graduate with a second degree. But what am I doing? I am working as a dog walker. And I am HAPPY! I just do not know what to think. What about all my goals, my expectations for myself? As a person with Bipolar, I have things to achieve. Happiness was never necessarily one of those things. But here I am, not saving the world and happy. Very, very mixed up. I love the dogs. I love the alone time. I love that I do not have to talk to people constantly or do paperwork or have silly deadlines or care about things that do not matter to me. Dogs are simple. We walk, play, have treats. Life is sweet for dogs.

Never a bride...

So the weddings off. Engagements over. I dont want to marry someone who is only willing to marry me because that is what it takes to be with me. It makes me feel evil and manipulative. Like some horrible game player. Like if "you dont wear a tux and say I do" Im leaving. I cant do this. So, hell with it. We just wont get married. Whatever. Girlfriend I am. If millions of gay and lesbian couples have to put up with it, then I guess I can to. Besides, what fun is something if it has to be dragged from the other person? So, he is still the One. Just not the one I will exchange a promise with to love and cherish forever. Even if I do.

Bat Man

Holding my breath

Today is an official day off. There is no where that I have to be at any specific time. No one counting on me to get anything done. Just a few copies to mail, a check to be cashed, simple things. The dogs, and the One and I, we will all go to the park. Eat lots of good food. Buy some groceries. Catch up on homework so I do not have to stress over the rest of the week. An easy day to just breath.

So why am I holding my breath? Every time an easy day shows up so does something else. A client to meet with, some emergency, etc. I got to sleep in. Until almost 9. But if I have to spend another day away from home all day, I will crack. Tomorrow is busy. Today I need. So even though today looks all clear, I'm still holding my breath.

Falling down

Failing, flailing, falling... I guess you get the point. I am totally bombing my Public Relations class. A communications class. Which is basically a form of English. Which basically should be easy. Well.... its not. I am 100 percent lost. Everytime I think about it my throat gets tight and my chest constricts. Even if I said it a million times I would still say it again. I HATE being sick. I am tired of my life and being sick. I know this is selfish, I am selfish. This is a waste of time and I could do so much more with myself. There is so much misery, it does not matter.

Evanescence - Lithium

Meet-up

I have a meeting with a client today for a pet sitting gig. First one in my new home. Kind of nervous, resigned, nauseous. Should be excited, right?

Yesterday was better. Things will be okay. Get up, don't give up. Day off.

The dogs are happy anyway. Scouter has been totally bummed since I have been gone so much the last couple of days. He sleeps on the bed and sulks when I am not home. Today we are all home together.