Horse, Horse, Horse!!!!!!

I've been working at a dressage stable for two weeks now. I clean stalls and feed horses, but I do not ride. Everyday when I am at work I've wondered, "When will I get to ride again?" That was the unanswerable question.
Prior to moving from Montana last June I said that I wouldn't care if I never rode again. Shortly thereafter I realized how wrong I had been. People say that you always want what you don't have and as soon as I couldn't ride I wanted to desperately.
Today I was asking one of the clients at the stable about finding a horse. She mentioned a friend who was looking to do a half-lease on her Thoroughbred gelding. Emails were exchanged and now... Now I am going to see this horse, who is gorgeous, on Tuesday. Just two days away. And if it all works out I will be able to ride him three days a week. Every week. The price is good and the stable is close. His name is.... D. Wouldn't want to give away his anonymity.

To take medication or not?

Pros of being off medication~
No medication weight gain
Fewer or no doctor's visits
Lower cost
Don't have to remember to take meds
Can drink in moderation (well, kind of)

Cons of being off medication~
Angry a lot
Withdrawal symptoms
Body aches
depression
suicidal ideation
feelings of hopelessness

To Be Continued...

Natasha Bedingfield - Strip Me

Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I'll just scream
Im only one voice in a million
but you aint taking that from me
Oh oh no you aint taking that from me

Its complicated

Its complicated. Its not that I don't want to talk to you. Yes you. You know who you are. Anyway, its not that I don't want to talk to you. Its that I don't want to talk to anyone. Anyone at all.

I know you are waiting for me to call. Probably wondering if I'm home yet. And I am. Have been for almost two hours. But I still can't bring myself to pick up the phone. I took a shower. Ate dinner. Walked the dogs. Fed the dogs. And the cat. And still... In the quiet, the silence of the house, I almost feel normal. I don't have to pretend. No one is here to care if I'm weird or not. And I know, absolutely know, that if I pick up the phone, that will end.

I cant make my voice sound not sad. Because I am. Sad. I cant be enthused because I'm not. I'm miserable and right now I cant pretend otherwise. If I call, you will wonder. Is it me? And its not. Its me, always me.

Its complicated. Language and words and speaking. I want to say that I want to die. I want to scream it. But I don't because I don't want to die. I want to live and stop feeling like this. I want someone, anyone, to fix it. There aren't words for this. There aren't words to make you understand.
Its complicated.

Pink - Fuckin' Perfect with lyrics

He takes my apathy for life as apathy for us.

Some days, all I can do is cry anymore. I cry when I read the postsecret website, at sad commercials, when I see people experiencing the things that I want but cannot have. I cry when I am frustrated, after I am frustrated, during and after being angry. I cry when I am alone and sometimes when I am not. Then I have to look away, look down, go in the bathroom, the bedroom. Pretend that it is really irritation from my contacts that are making my eyes drip. Sad songs make me weep, and sometimes happy ones as well. I miss my medication. I miss not feeling angry so often, and then so painfully guilty for the anger I cannot control. I hate how lonely I feel. I hate missing the family in Montana because I was just there and it should have been enough. I hate that coming home to the man I love isn't enough. Nothing is enough. I find myself crying randomly for how alone and sad and empty I feel. I feel like a pathetic cliche. Alone and sad and empty.

I hate myself for not caring that the house is dirty, that dinner is cooked, that the laundry is more dirty than clean. I hate how guilty I feel that I don't care. I hate that even feeling so guilty I cant seem to make it any different.

I'm afraid. I have only been home for two days. I am not coping well. If I pretend that I am well, its a lie. If I don't.... What can I say? He takes my apathy for life as apathy for us.

Why, why, why isn't it better yet? I'm an adult. I have a college degree. Two of them. I cut off communication with my own personal abusive family member. I have people who love me. I have a wonderful dog. Despite all of this I am miserable. Two days ago I was hopeful, and now...
Obviously not.

Classics Challenge List ~ Finished!

1. A banned book ~
American Psycho
2. A book with a wartime setting (any war) ~
Blood on the Shamrock: A Novel of Ireland's Civil War
3. A Pulitzer Prize (fiction) winner or runner up ~
Love in Infant Monkeys byLydia Millet
4. A Children's/Young Adult Classic ~
Chronicles of Narnia
5. 19th century classic~
Personal Recollections of Joan of Arc
6. 20th century classic ~
Lolita
7. A book you think should be considered a 21st century classic ~
Reading Lolita in Tehran
8. Re-read a book from your high school/college classes ~
To Kill A Mockingbird

New Job

Started a new job today. Working as a stable hand at a dressage stable in Seattle. It seems good and bad at the same time. The job is fairly laid-back, so that is nice. However, being around the horses and not riding or competing? That may drive me crazy. The one horse looks so much like the filly that I used to have. Before dad sold her, anyway. Just have to persevere.

Classics Challenge

1. A banned book ~

American Psycho
2. A book with a wartime setting (any war) ~

Blood on the Shamrock: A Novel of Ireland's Civil War

3. A Pulitzer Prize (fiction) winner or runner up ~

Love in Infant Monkeys byLydia Millet
4. A Children's/Young Adult Classic ~

Chronicles of Narnia
5. 19th century classic
6. 20th century classic ~ Lolita
7. A book you think should be considered a 21st century classic
8. Re-read a book from your high school/college classes ~ To Kill A Mockingbird

Books for the Classic Challenge so far.

I, Too, Have a Dream

I, Too, Have a Dream

~

A wonderful posting from the author of Beyond Blue.

Uuugh

Today some one I care deeply about lost their job. From the same place that a year and a half ago, I also lost my job. Granted this person was given the option of resigning rather than being terminated, but its still horrid. I've been thinking that resigning, even forced resignation would be better than being fired. I can't feel that way anymore. It doesn't seem to be any less crushing. Maybe on an application for a new position, it isn't as bad. Maybe.

But here is the major thing that keeps chewing on me. What if, a year and a half ago, I had stood up for myself? Gotten legal representation? Everyone told me that I should. But between the medication confusion and the suicidal despair, it wasn't possible. At least, it didn't seem possible at the time. Now I can't stop wondering if I had, would this person be suffering today? Could I have prevented this?

All I want is to make a difference. Sometimes I lose track of that. Lose it in unsettled attempts just to function. But it is what I want. If action could have prevented this...

I don't know.