He takes my apathy for life as apathy for us.

Some days, all I can do is cry anymore. I cry when I read the postsecret website, at sad commercials, when I see people experiencing the things that I want but cannot have. I cry when I am frustrated, after I am frustrated, during and after being angry. I cry when I am alone and sometimes when I am not. Then I have to look away, look down, go in the bathroom, the bedroom. Pretend that it is really irritation from my contacts that are making my eyes drip. Sad songs make me weep, and sometimes happy ones as well. I miss my medication. I miss not feeling angry so often, and then so painfully guilty for the anger I cannot control. I hate how lonely I feel. I hate missing the family in Montana because I was just there and it should have been enough. I hate that coming home to the man I love isn't enough. Nothing is enough. I find myself crying randomly for how alone and sad and empty I feel. I feel like a pathetic cliche. Alone and sad and empty.

I hate myself for not caring that the house is dirty, that dinner is cooked, that the laundry is more dirty than clean. I hate how guilty I feel that I don't care. I hate that even feeling so guilty I cant seem to make it any different.

I'm afraid. I have only been home for two days. I am not coping well. If I pretend that I am well, its a lie. If I don't.... What can I say? He takes my apathy for life as apathy for us.

Why, why, why isn't it better yet? I'm an adult. I have a college degree. Two of them. I cut off communication with my own personal abusive family member. I have people who love me. I have a wonderful dog. Despite all of this I am miserable. Two days ago I was hopeful, and now...
Obviously not.

Classics Challenge List ~ Finished!

1. A banned book ~
American Psycho
2. A book with a wartime setting (any war) ~
Blood on the Shamrock: A Novel of Ireland's Civil War
3. A Pulitzer Prize (fiction) winner or runner up ~
Love in Infant Monkeys byLydia Millet
4. A Children's/Young Adult Classic ~
Chronicles of Narnia
5. 19th century classic~
Personal Recollections of Joan of Arc
6. 20th century classic ~
Lolita
7. A book you think should be considered a 21st century classic ~
Reading Lolita in Tehran
8. Re-read a book from your high school/college classes ~
To Kill A Mockingbird

New Job

Started a new job today. Working as a stable hand at a dressage stable in Seattle. It seems good and bad at the same time. The job is fairly laid-back, so that is nice. However, being around the horses and not riding or competing? That may drive me crazy. The one horse looks so much like the filly that I used to have. Before dad sold her, anyway. Just have to persevere.

Classics Challenge

1. A banned book ~

American Psycho
2. A book with a wartime setting (any war) ~

Blood on the Shamrock: A Novel of Ireland's Civil War

3. A Pulitzer Prize (fiction) winner or runner up ~

Love in Infant Monkeys byLydia Millet
4. A Children's/Young Adult Classic ~

Chronicles of Narnia
5. 19th century classic
6. 20th century classic ~ Lolita
7. A book you think should be considered a 21st century classic
8. Re-read a book from your high school/college classes ~ To Kill A Mockingbird

Books for the Classic Challenge so far.

I, Too, Have a Dream

I, Too, Have a Dream

~

A wonderful posting from the author of Beyond Blue.

Uuugh

Today some one I care deeply about lost their job. From the same place that a year and a half ago, I also lost my job. Granted this person was given the option of resigning rather than being terminated, but its still horrid. I've been thinking that resigning, even forced resignation would be better than being fired. I can't feel that way anymore. It doesn't seem to be any less crushing. Maybe on an application for a new position, it isn't as bad. Maybe.

But here is the major thing that keeps chewing on me. What if, a year and a half ago, I had stood up for myself? Gotten legal representation? Everyone told me that I should. But between the medication confusion and the suicidal despair, it wasn't possible. At least, it didn't seem possible at the time. Now I can't stop wondering if I had, would this person be suffering today? Could I have prevented this?

All I want is to make a difference. Sometimes I lose track of that. Lose it in unsettled attempts just to function. But it is what I want. If action could have prevented this...

I don't know.

P!nk - Don't Let Me Get Me