Crunch Me

Tell me another lie/Anything

The first ones weren’t big enough/ Of course, I believed didn’t I

Holding my breath with hope watching you cautiously a small child offered a forbidden treat

yeah, yeah come back and do it again lie to me at least its got good flavor it makes the heart beat before the pain takes over

I thought you were different but you’re not/ I’m just another moment to you

fritos

its fun touch your tongue to me then crush me under your feet

not again I’m sick of the feeling I heard you the first time I’m not good enough not awesome enough what you think I didn’t already know

story of my life foretold/ nothing more than a broodmare but what is a broodmare who wont have a brood

worthless no damn good no damn good nothing else there

bedroom games empty time finish it and let me go/ oh right you already did missing an explanation guess I don’t need one

do not pass go/ fucking without dating straight to jail you’re a whore she said

Crush me I’ll be touch me taste me its one more game roll my dice tonight

I’m desperate touch me touch me I did it for you lies- I did it for me you couldn’t understand no one touches me I thought you would be different

damn feels like dying again/ sometimes it seems the only way to kill this feeling is to kill me

Yeah I’m still here Breaking glass moments breaking apart in my chest

What do you know

You could never live my life Touch the abuse it comes and goes I always go back don’t know anything else think I need it how fucked up does that make me

Know I need my Crazy, sweet baby, the love hold me close run me through the wind take my tears I’ll go back for that if nothing else

I wanted you wanted you to be different so bad

Crunch me Ill never be nothing But a moment lost in time

And you

I cant remember Feel I should Every time you touch me Something hangs in the mind Heart calls to me Come back I can’t The past is my destruction The future as well

Crunch me There will be no more touches You let me go Can’t figure why Moments in time Pass by

Crunch me Refuse me Hurt me hate me

Something anything Just don’t leave me in this painful silence that I can’t comprehend can’t control

Hurt me Hurt me Hurt me so I can hurt me Find my center my control Whatever you give me, I can give greater

But not this

Not this silence

I have no silence Its agony its swamps me like jam smears me in sticky misery

Release me

Crunch me touch me taste me hate me hurt me

Just don’t give me silence

~ L.S.

Two things

Today I did two things that I haven't done in a while. I rode a horse and I voluntarily interacted with my father.

I haven't ridden since just before my accident, back at the beginning of March. Four long months without the pleasures of equine relaxation. Today I couldn't wait any longer. I rode L.L. or the Lazy Lineback. We rode for 30 minutes in the front pasture, mostly at a walk with a small amount of trotting. It felt good to be back in the saddle. (Hello cliche!) Here is L.L. looking annoyed that she has had to work so hard for such a long time!

The other thing about today was seeing Dad. My youngest sister wanted to invite him to her 8th grade promotion (this Thursday) and so I agreed to pass on the date and time. We have spoken since October of 2010. It has been good to be away from him. He aggravates my illness with his illness and his denial. Mostly he just makes me miserable. Today was passable though. As always the visit lasted far longer than it should have. Five hours went by before I escaped again. Seeing my father is taking a detour from sanity and dropping in to Crazyland. You know where you're going from the start but you still have no idea how to get out.

The Black Eyed Peas - Just Can't Get Enough

The song I am currently obsessing over since the Billboard award show!

Nap Camp

Lousy with sunshine

You and Me

Disaster when you leave

Disappointment is a stiletto

Sinking in, searing

Eroding any attempt of Spirit to sneak by

Tears torn from behind angry eyelids

I might dissolve

Become a sticky snuffling mess

A puddle of stark solitude

Begging for your complete return

Why do you leave me?

It must be essential/absolute/necessary

For anything less…

I would slash myself into pieces and rearrange until

Until I couldn’t care anymore

You’re my fancy, my only light

So then

When you are gone

Stay with your soul in my soul

Wherever your body goes Wherever you are

And I will hold you close

L.S.

Keep Trying

Discovery is the truth

the journey

Past is but a hell

Scars, Stains, burst and burned out Stars]

Given

Created

And Someday… if you’re charmed

Empowerment

Knowing self as friend

Companion voice

Claimed only by You

Used by no one else

There is joy in permission

given, granted, gained

Waiting for change

Bodies flourish

within without worry

I am only one

Like Elizabeth

loved, revered

Alone

Even this body eventually grows cold

But my soul?

It continues

In my road, my words

And

In the bones to come.